Got these in an e-mail from my dad today.

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.

“Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I’m dying here and you’re putting.”

“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.

“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

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A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, “You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?”
Mickelson replied, “The holes are numbered.”

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A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?”

The young man says, “An 8-iron, father, how about you?”

The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”

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Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”

“Yes” says the woman.

“Did you hit him with that golf club?”

“Yes, yes, I did.”

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

“How many times did you hit him?”

“I don’t know –put me down for a five.”

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:

“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four “leaks” behind big trees.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”

“No,” I replied, “I’m just a  shitty golfer.”

 

It was back in the 70’s and a soon-to-be prominent golfer (Ray Floyd) was playing at Augusta for his first Masters. Back then the players could not bring their own caddies but had to use one of the locals.

Floyd told the caddy master he wanted a big fellow who could handle his bag, but who also would keep quiet, no advice needed.

The caddy who was assigned Floyd said, “Hello Mr. Floyd.”

Floyd said “Hello.” And followed that with, “That’s the last I want to hear from you unless I ask you a question.”

Everything went well until the 10th hole when Floyd pushed his drive into the right trees on the par 4.

After surveying the scene he said out loud, “I’m going to hit a low fade out through that opening to carry and land mid green and then roll over the crest down near the hole.”

Surprisingly he pulled it off exactly and turned to his caddy and said, “How’s that?”

The caddy spoke for the first time and said, “That wasn’t your ball.”

I think this might be one of the all time great golf jokes.

Four men are finishing up a round of golf one Saturday morning, and one of the men asks the others “What are you guys doing this afternoon?”

The first guy says “I have to clean out the garage. The only way my wife would let me golf this morning was if I promised to have the garage cleaned out by this afternoon.”

The second guy then says “I have to cut my lawn and weed all the gardens. My wife told me that was the only way I could go golfing today.”

The third guy then responds “My wife told me that if I went golfing this morning then I had to clean the gutters out this afternoon.”

The final member of the group remained silent.

The other three all looked at him and said “Come on, tell us what you have to do back home since you golfed this morning.”

The the fourth guy looked at them all and smiled and says “Nothing.”

The other three can’t believe it and ask him how he managed to get to come to the golf course without having to do something around the house.

The fourth man says “It was easy. My alarm went off at 6am, I rolled over and asked the wife ‘Golf course or intercourse?’ and she said to me ‘Don’t forget your sweater'”.

Here is a golf joke I received in my e-mail today.

    Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament. 

    At first I said, “Naaahhh!” 

    Then they said to me “Come on, it’s for handicapped and blind Kids.” 

    Then I thought… “$#&! – I could win this!”

 

Got an e-mail from my dad today that was full of golf jokes, and I thought I would pass them along. They are all old, but there might be a chuckle or two in there.

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A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

“Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

“I’m dying here and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.

“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”
___________________________

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, “You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?”

Mickelson replied, “The holes are numbered.”
___________________________
A young man and a priest are playing golf together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?”

The young man says, “An 8-iron, father. How about you?”

The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”
___________________________

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”

“Yes” says the woman.

“Did you hit him with that golf club?”

“Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

“How many times did you hit him?”

“I don’t know — put me down for a five.”
____ _______________________

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, “Are you a good golfer?”

The man replied: “Got here in two, didn’t I?
___________________________

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: “What are your golf clubs doing here?”

He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”