Some Golf Jokes

Got these in an e-mail from my dad today.

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.

“Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I’m dying here and you’re putting.”

“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.

“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”


A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, “You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?”
Mickelson replied, “The holes are numbered.”


A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?”

The young man says, “An 8-iron, father, how about you?”

The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”


Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”

“Yes” says the woman.

“Did you hit him with that golf club?”

“Yes, yes, I did.”

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

“How many times did you hit him?”

“I don’t know –put me down for a five.”

Graeme McDowell and Justin Rose Play Match on WGT

In these times of Covid-19 and social distancing, people are looking for distractions.  The NBA, MLB, and MLS are all playing virtual seasons or tournaments with their stars, and now it’s time for golf to play its part.

Mastercard and the World Golf Tour (WGT) put on their first virtual match tonight featuring major winners Justin Rose and Graeme McDowell in a nine hole contest over the front nine of Pebble Beach, broadcast live on YouTube.

It was a highly entertaining match, with excellent banter between the two pros.  Both players had obviously spent a fair amount of time on their avatar apparel and gear, and McDowell was obviously the more experienced player.  It sounded as though both had discovered the game in the last few weeks when the world shut down.

Both players commented on how realistic the graphics and course play were, and how the views were true to life.  What wasn’t true to life was that they played in “Practice” mode, allowing them to preview their putts.

Here is GMacca59

Here is JustinRose0730

If you are looking to get in your golf fix, try WGT. Who knows, you might get paired up with a major winner.

My Physical

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:

“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four “leaks” behind big trees.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”

“No,” I replied, “I’m just a  shitty golfer.”

 

Getting to “The Position” That Makes All The Pros So Good

I found this on my suggested videos.  It’s given by Justin Thompson who affiliated with http://swing-simply.com. He discusses the “Position” that all of the pros get into at and through impact, how they get there, and why it helps them hit it so straight and far.

This very much reminds me of Hogan’s Five Lessons, but is told in a different and maybe more simple way.

Something to work on while social distancing.

Number 12 at Augusta National GC in LEGO

Photo from https://twitter.com/LouStagner/status/1240033589296861185/photo/1

I am a big fan of the show LEGO Masters on Fox, and then this came to me in an e-mail from GolfChannel today.

Lou Stagner’s daughter built a LEGO replica of the famous 12th hole at Augusta National GC.

I may be sad about the Masters being postponed, but this gives me a little bit of happiness back.

The Masters is Postponed

Augusta National announced that the Masters Tournament has been postponed.

Statement from Fred Ridley, Chairman of Augusta National Golf Club:

On Wednesday, March 4, we issued a memo stating that our plans to host the Masters Tournament, the Augusta National Women’s Amateur and the Drive, Chip and Putt National Finals had not changed. Unfortunately, the ever-increasing risks associated with the widespread Coronavirus COVID-19 have led us to a decision that undoubtedly will be disappointing to many, although I am confident is appropriate under these unique circumstances.

Considering the latest information and expert analysis, we have decided at this time to postpone the Masters Tournament, the Augusta National Women’s Amateur and the Drive, Chip and Putt National Finals.

Ultimately, the health and well-being of everyone associated with these events and the citizens of the Augusta community led us to this decision. We hope this postponement puts us in the best position to safely host the Masters Tournament and our amateur events at some later date.

We will continue to work with the World Health Organization, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the Office of the Governor, the Georgia Department of Public Health, the City of Augusta and all other local authorities. We are grateful to all of these entities for their exceptional efforts and guidance.

We recognize this decision will affect many people, including our loyal patrons. Your patience as we make every effort to communicate effectively and efficiently is appreciated, and we will share any additional information as soon as it becomes available. Updates also will be posted to our website, Masters.com.

As COVID-19 continues to impact the lives of people everywhere, we seek your understanding of this decision and know you share our concern given these trying times. Thank you for your faithful support.

 

PGA Tour Cancels Players Championship Plus Next Three Events

The PGA Tour released a statement today that it has cancelled the Players Championship, as well as the next three events.

It is with regret that we are announcing the cancellation of THE PLAYERS Championship.

We have also decided to cancel all PGA TOUR events – across all of our Tours – in the coming weeks, through the Valero Texas Open.

We have pledged from the start to be responsible, thoughtful and transparent with our decision process. We did everything possible to create a safe environment for our players in order to continue the event throughout the weekend, and we were endeavoring to give our fans a much-needed respite from the current climate.  But at this point – and as the situation continues to rapidly change – the right thing to do for our players and our fans is to pause.

We will be prepared to answer additional questions on Friday at 8 a.m.

The PGA Tour has joined the NBA, NHL, MLB, NCAA, LPGA, and others in cancelling or postponing games and events due to the coronavirus pandemic.